youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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