you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
And then he peed in my hair
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