Where is the hickey?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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