he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
