awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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