Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
