it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
