Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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