The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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