Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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