Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Of course I have a pirate flag
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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