so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
