Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
