Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
