Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
