Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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