This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
