How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
