Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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