Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
