My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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