i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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