I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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