I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
