i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
