i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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