I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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