it wasn't lemon gatorade
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
