cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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