The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize