apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
