i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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