dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
