Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
