i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
