well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
