I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize