i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
