did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
