Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
