Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
