I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
