Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
