had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
