My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
