Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize