ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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