She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
