Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
