btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
