I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
