and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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