My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
