dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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