the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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