woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
